As a young pilot I remember the most testing times for my patience and loyalty was adversity.
I remember sitting in a rifter with Tetseptus in Oddelulf in Molden Heath waiting to attack a more skilled Pirate fleet lead by Velsharoon and his corp Corsets and Carebears. In a flash both of us where in pods before we could even blink. Every now and again, when I was available we would have a few victories against them. However so many times I threw ships into a meat grinder and was frustrated on how these guys where so much more able to destroy then I was.
Again a few months after, We where fighting Infinitus Odium or INFOD. I a new pilot, still in a stabber (back in them days we still warped to 15km of gates and getting into bigger ships took a lot longer) I spent hours docked, unable to fight and when I did un-dock, sensor boosted battle ships would blast me away.
Then Mercenary Coalition war declared our alliance. At the time this was the alliance with the biggest capital fleet in all of New Eden. I not only spent hours, but days stuck in station. I remember I lost 4 Stabber cruisers in less then a hour. My wallet was empty and I was pulling my hair out. After a week or so the war was over, however Infinitus Odium having watched and taking lessons from MC, war declared us to finish off our little alliance for good. As I have said before we lost every fleet battle, however in small guerrilla actions killing off 1 or 2 INFOD pilots here and there. The over all isk vlaue of ships lost in the war, we defeated them, though none of them will ever admit that. This to me gave a glimmer of hope.
In Foundation alliance in Great Wildlands, most of the time I was available our fleets where very successful, demorilizing the enemy for once except for EVOKE alliance. When EVOKE got a fleet together or started camping stations and gates we had little or no response. Again I was pissed off and irritated, however the big fights against them in E02 where some of the most remembererable fights ever. Fist time I fought Titians, I was in a Sabre trying to bubble super caps, I got doomesdayed a few times. But hundreds on the battle field I dreamed about it for weeks. EVOKE moved out and took up a campaign in 0.0 space elsewhere so again my sanity was returned.
After the death of Foundation, I went to the war zone of the Amarr and Minmatar Militias. Here again I experienced great success and a lot of defeat. The "late night" fleets where lead by a great personality Bahamut420 he was able to draw about him skilled warriors who would risk expensively fit or just well fit ships, who where able to adapt to the enemy's reshipping and take many victories.
However after the moon or moons crossed mid way of their home worlds, these warriors where forced to sleep. After this time some bold fleet commanders would start fleets, sit in Plex's hoping to hold them as a far superior force, who where able to refit there fleet to take us on. They would then come in with superior numbers and equipment and destroy us. This happened night after night, until the pilot who formed the fleets lost all hope got so much abuse and went and did something else.
I tried to help him FC, as he claimed he wasn't good at knowing ships strengths or how to figure out if it would be an even fight. I wasn't interested in waiting for fleets to form or advertise them. To me this was a good fit! He start and form up the fleet , I lead the combat.. but in some situations he would express this was his fleet and STFU.. only for me to see all others die yet again..so i stopped trying.
Currently Adversity has smacked me in the face again. I am unable to join the old late night guys as planetary duties have tied me down. When I am able to fight, I find people fighting in Plex's allowing the enemy to scan them down, find our ship types and end up dieing horribly. Little team work and those leading the teams geting frustrated and angry or me being frustrated and angry as enemy's I expect to be able to kill easily defeat me.
I know I have better tactics I know I can do better.. I need to focus, If I am so critical I need to express too people what I want and what I believe I can defeat the enemy with. I should take the lead and with my experience aim for victory.. some days I wonder if I can.. or if people will follow me again.. after showing my frustration and anger at feeding a hungry enemy easy kills...
I still dream of how I saw smeggy and Futher Bezluden work back in the days of MH-SEC. Futher would form up the fleet, and move them about, give out the mundane orders, smeggy would lead the battle. This situation would be perfect for me, as I could plan and calculate what the enemy has vs us, as some of the pressure of the mundane is taken away from me. Maybe one day I will find my 2ic :)
